I’m grieving. I can’t tell you what I’m grieving exactly-the loss of health? The loss of normalcy? I’m definitely afraid of the unknown ahead of me, but grieving? I have to be grieving… I’m going through the stages of grief. Denial, anger… i hope I reach acceptance ASAP. I hope I don’t stay in Depression too long…
I’m struggling. I’m angry. I can’t always speak. I stutter more than usual. I was painfully shy growing up. I didn’t speak much, and when I did, I stuttered. Its been something that’s taken me years to overcome. But since the tumor, it’s something that I can’t help anymore. It’s no longer because I’m shy. My speech could be the second thing this tumor completely takes from me. (“Normalcy” being the first) I see people living a normal life… and my indifference has turned into anger.
It seems like no matter a persons reaction, I feel anger. This weekend, I was told I’d be taking on a bigger role at my 2nd job. I reminded my boss about my situation and that I needed to cut back for a while, yet he treated me like I was normal- And it made me angry… on the other hand, when people cry and show me pity, or validate that I’m too young and this is too hard, or share that I’m in an impossible position, I realize I don’t want their pity. In fact, pity makes me angry.
It’s like I’m in the middle of a game of tug of war… on one side, normalcy, on the other, victimization. and as these opposing sides tug against one another, all I feel is anger.
Just “one of those girls” one of those strong girls.